Week 2 - Day 1

Yesterday was legs. I increased weight on several of the exercises and yet I felt horrible. I was still sick and very tired. Before it was all over, I was crying  a little, mostly because I felt weak and lousy and angry at myself for being weak and lousy. I had to stop, breathe, and tell myself more than once "you are not weak, you are sick and you are tired. You are not weak."

I wonder if part of the problem had to do with the fact that I only had a protein shake for breakfast. I was hungry but I did not want to eat. Because I was still sick, I guess. Also, I only did 15 minutes of cardio. I am going to be happy with that. Because I am still sick.

Also, I am 237 as of today, so that's good. I am not eating great, but I'm not overeating either. I need to get back to taking photos of what I am eating. Baby steps.

Blah. 

Week 1 - Day 7

I ate queso and chips.
I ate pizza.
I ate ice cream.
I ate Twizzlers.
I watched The Boxtrolls.
I coughed a lot.
I drank a lot of water.
I did not work out.
I cuddled my sprout.
I spent time with my husband.
I did not hate myself.
I did not gain.
It was a good day.

Week 1 - Day 6

Yesterday we got up early and went to the Autumn Fest in Pinehurst, NC with a couple CPT Snicklefritz knows from his school. John and Ashton are both lawyers and they are both beautiful. I kind of hate them, but they are just so nice, it's hard to really hate them. Thankfully, John has a small gap between his two front teeth which is the one thing I can't get over in someone looks wise, so I'm not in love with him. Despite his fabulous jet black hair, pale skin, and very smart tattoos.

Anyway, we spent a very nice morning with them in spite of the fact that I was intermittently hacking up a lung. I felt terrible by the time we left, but I am happy to report that I did not succumb to fair food. I had a small Italian Ice for my throat and then waited to have lunch at a local restaurant. It was BBQ Brisket sandwich with sweet potatoes and cole slaw. And it was awful. But I didn't eat other things, so that's good. The restaurant was terrible too, for the record.

After the disappointing lunch, we went back to the festival so that That Sprout could play at the park. I spent a lot of time looking at all the beautiful people, having fun together while I sat there with CPT Snicklefritz feeling like I was all by myself. I was feeling very sick at this point, so I am not going to beat myself up too much about the fact that I started crying on the way back to the car. I said something about "Even Antonin Scalia is friends with Ruth Bader Ginsberg. They rode on an elephant together."

It probably did not help anything that I was feeling very frumpy, very ugly, and very fat. We ran into a couple of other people CPT Snicklefritz's class who had run the 5K with their girlfriends. Who were skinny and in shape. I am pretty sure that these people probably aren't judging me, but I feel like they are. This is probably just me judging myself.

On a bright note, when I am all by myself I feel a little better about the way my body looks. I think I can already see some changes. This is likely a result of being proud of my accomplishments at the gym, but feeling good is feeling good.

And I think I've lost about 4 pounds. So there's that.

Week 1 - Day 5

I recovered enough to make it to the gym on Friday. God Bless Vitamin C and Cold-Eeze.

We did shoulders, and I really pushed myself. I have noticed that I neither look at myself in the mirror or the trainer while I am working out. I focus on something - anything else.

The workout was fine, although since I was still sick I did not do any cardio. I plan to finish up over the weekend.

The only other thing of note was that when I was finished with my workout we got to talking about how I hadn't met anyone yet and I wound up crying because I miss my old friends. 

I am very tired of the twee responses I have heard about my lack of society. It's so hard to explain to someone why I have such a hard time. I don't just want shallow friends. I was to have relationships with people. I want to feel like I am a part of something. 

I was reading George Carlin and he said something about groups and why you should be an individual instead of part of a group. Well, I guess Uncle George will just have to be very disappointed in me. All I want - all I have ever wanted - is to be a part of something. I find it very lonely being apart. 

:-(

Week 1 - Day 4

I caught the plague from That Sprout. I did not exercise today, which is bad because I needed to do legs and cardio.

Hack.
Cough.
Death.

Week 1 - Day 3

I saw the trainer again yesterday, and I feel like I approached the situation with an improved attitude. I also ran farther than I have yet (0.36 @ 4.0. mph) so maybe that contributed to my mood. I was also very interested in being efficient as That Sprout was in the daycare at the gym and I didn't want to leave her there for too long. She cried when I left. Little did I know that she would cry when I came to take her home too. Transitions are not her strong suit.

During my workout, I learned that hyper-extensions seem easy to begin with, but by the end, they are no joke. I did not want to cry at all, so that's good. I also have a very hard time making eye contact with my trainer. This is similar to my relationship with certain other women in my life. I wonder if a male trainer would have been better? I guess having female forces me to work on my woman hating though.

I didn't do any cardio because after the hyper-extensions I could not. I was done. Trainer said that I only had to do it one more time this week, so I have a few more days to knock it out.

Late in the afternoon I had something of a carb binge. That Sprout finally mustered up and appetite and she wanted pancakes. I had more than one. Then I decided that I was going to try making star shaped French Toast. And then I ate all of that too. I refuse to be too upset by all this though because I did not eat dinner. I choose to believe that the calories worked out.

Now, for something that I have been thinking about a lot as of late: I need a good playlist for my cardio. Here is what I have been considering:

• Nine Inch Nails - Head Like a Hole
• Matchbox 20 - How Far We've Come
• Backstreet Boys - Larger than Life
• Harvey Danger - Flagpole Sitta
• Kid Rock - Bawitdaba
• Duran Duran - Rio
• Motion City Soundtrack - Everything is Alright
• My Chemical Romance - The Black Parade
• Duran Duran - Planet Earth
• My Chemical Romance - I'm Not Okay (I Promise)
• Nelly - Batter Up

Week 1 - Day 2

That Sprout woke up with a fever yesterday morning and as such, was unable to go to school. I didn't want to take her to the gym with me and risk her being "Patient Zero" for some kind of outbreak, so I didn't make it to the gym until about 5:30 last night.

I had been afraid that the place would be packed, but I was pleasantly surprised. It was no more populated than usual. I did 30 minutes of cardio (17 minute mile on the treadmill and 15 minutes on the bike). Then I did my workout for the day. Arms, specifically triceps. Mine are weak. The exercises sucked, but I did them.

I had two thoughts during/after my workout.

1. A year is a long time. A lot of change can happen in a year. I could be someone I don't even recognize a year from now. And that would be pretty cool.

2. I have long entertained the fantasy that "when I get to where I need to be" I can "maintain" by running and doing yoga. This fantasy works under the assumption that underneath all my bad habits there is a manic pixie dream girl who loves to run and do yoga. This notion is part of a larger fantasy about "who I want to be." But the problem is this: I can want to be a tiny thing like Christina Ricci or Thora Birch, but wanting it ain't gonna make it happen. I will probably have to continue a rigorous training program for the rest of my life. Now, maybe that means that I get serious about some yoga and running. I don't know. But the idea that I can hold a pose and eat bon-bons at the same time - that shit doesn't happen in real life.

I don't like who I am. I want to be someone else. Maybe that's what I'm hiding from under here.